Out of Gas, GM Converts into Church

by Dalorean Pantswochitz, TYDN Auto Affairs Writer
DETROIT -- (TYDN) Running out of gas, General Motors Corp. is converting to the church to take advantage of the tax-exempt status enjoyed by U.S.-based religious institutions, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation, to be announced perhaps as early as Thursday, came a day after the financing arm of General Motors converted into a bank holding company as part of a $5 billion deal that will let the lender borrow money at low rates from the Federal Reserve. Analysts said the two-pronged reorganization is certain to spark a nationwide economic recovery by supplying cheap public financing for GM's luxury Hummer brand.

Shares of the world's largest automaker surged 6 percent in after hours trading as Pope Benedict XVI announced GM would become the Vatican's official supplier of Pope Mobiles. Industry analysts said the deal underscores the Detroit automaker's commitment to expand its global reach.

GM's changeover came as the world's largest automaker was to run out of cash within weeks and perhaps be forced to declare bankruptcy. It also comes as the Treasury was preparing to provide GM and Chrysler each with an additional $4 billion lifeline in the first part of a bailout plan for the car companies facing insolvency.

Amid the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, analysts said GM's embrace of the church would create a surge in demand for steel, coal, oil, refined gas, plastics and other goods and services associated with a renewed demand for humuongous passenger vehicles like the Hummer that get less than 10 miles per gallon. The plan, which requires its labor force to reduce its wages by 50 percent and give up retirement and health benefits, is part of GM's new, zero-percent customer financing for its larger models -- all in a bid to jumpstart sales and, in the process, the economy.

The nation's other two automakers might not be that far behind.

Cerberus Capital Management, the private equity firm that owns Chrysler, was said to be mulling whether to convert into a tax-exempt religious organization, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. Ford, the nation's No. 3 automaker, said it has enough cash on hand to withstand an immediate conversion.

But U.S. intelligence officials said privately they were monitoring the conversion situation closely and expressed alarm that Chrysler and Ford may embrace Islam as their salvation. "If those two go, GM is likely to follow," an intelligence official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Economics scholars applauded the U.S. government's auto-industry monetary policy as being necessary to keep Western-style capitalism in check. The scholars also lauded both the government's openness in the bailout and its lack of complexity.

Under the deal, the Treasury will buy $5 billion worth of preferred equity shares in GMAC, which used to be the financing subsidiary of GM and is now owned jointly by GM and Cerberus Capital Management. In addition, the Treasury said it would lend GM $1 billion so that it could purchase additional equity offered by its lending arm, GMAC.

Both GM and Chrysler need immediate cash to keep their operations running while they overhaul their businesses. The automakers have been spending billions from their cash reserves in order to stay afloat in what is the worst vehicle market in the United States in 25 years.

GM is scheduled to get $4 billion initially, and a second loan of $5.4 billion in mid- to late January. The company could also get an additional $4 billion in February or March if Congress approved a larger loan package as part of the Treasuryâ..s overall plan for financial institutions.

For GMAC to meet the Federal Reserveâ..s requirements to become a banking holding company, it needs to convert 75 percent of its $38 billion in debt into stock.

Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

U.S. Regulating Santa Suits to Combat Terrorism

Kristofer Wrinkeladge, TYDN Reporter at Large
WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration is to begin regulating Santa Claus suits in the aftermath of a Christmas Eve massacre in what security experts acknowledge was the worst act of Santa Clausian terror on U.S. soil in recent memory, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

U.S. security sources said the new regulations are in response to Wednesday's latest incident when Santa Claus shot up and burned a house in a normally tranquil Los Angeles suburb, killing nine and injuring scores of others, officials told TheYellowDailyNews on Sunday.

Department of Homeland Security chief, Michael Chertoff, is expected to make the announcement as early as Monday in what counter-terrorism officials said was the United States' boldest foray into combating domestic terrorism since the Sept. 11, 2001 World Trade Center attacks.

"This is expected to save perhaps tens of thousands of lives, perhaps even more lives than the ban on bringing shampoo and toothpaste onto domestic flights," one well-placed counter-terror official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The Santa Claus suit seems to be the disguise of choice for a new breed of domestic terrorists."

Critics immediately decried the regulations, which only target newly purchased Santa Claus outfits and grant amnesty to the tens of thousands of Santa Claus suits already in the country. Others questioned whether the government had enough resources to search U.S. borders and ports of call, where millions of other Santa suits are said to be in hiding.

"What this double-standard means is that, when you see Santa Claus, you don't know whether that's a domestic terrorist or just a jolly good guy underneath," said Jalen Jackstian, executive director for the Center for Santa Clausian Studies. "This is a time bomb ticking."

U.S. security officials have suspected for decades that terrorists might hide behind Santa Claus outfits, especially during the Christmas season, TheYellowDailyNews has learned. After decades of study, U.S. intelligence sources became increasingly suspicious when the suspected Santa Claus terrorists would show themselves solely during Christmas, when America has its guard down.

"After Christmas, they just vanished like cockroaches when the lights are turned on," the intelligence source told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

Many Americans suspected the Bush administration was complicit in the latest Santa Claus terror attack.

"I've seen these Santa Claus terrorists casing shopping malls and airports every year around Christmas and I always thought that was kind of weird," said one mall shopper, who requested anonymity and was granted anonymity by TheYellowDailyNews.

Sheila Shehman, editor of Psychology Today, said the magazine was rushing into publication what she described as a "how-to article on discussing with your children the modern-day fact that Santa might be a terrorist -- a jolly fellow plotting destruction."

Photo: bovinmagnet

U.S. Rejects Food Bank Bailout

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Bush administration rejected on Wednesday a proposed $10 billion U.S. food bank bailout amid the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in a Christmas Eve address here in the Rose Garden, said the nation's food banks' loose policies of giving away food free was at the heart of the banking scandal that lead to the economy's collapse.

"What kind of business model is that, where these banks give away products and services and know they are not going to be repaid or can't be repaid?" Bush asked. "It just does not make any sense. That their cupboards are bare is their own fault."

Possible indictments were underway against faith-based groups which have been performing the legally questionable practice of doling out free food for decades, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"By refusing this $10 billion food banking bailout, we are protecting the 40 million impoverished men, women and children in this country from the predatory practices of the food bank industry," Bush said.

Administration officials said privately that a bailout would amount to the lavish enrichment of food banking executives with taxpayer dollars.

"We've heard reports where food bank leaders have actually sat down and eaten Thanksgiving meals with the downtrodden they're feeding," said one Securities and Exchange Commission official, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. "The U.S. taxpayer should not be saddled with providing this free gravy train to these greedy food banking executives."

Another SEC official said privately that a wide-ranging food bank investigation has uncovered evidence that some food banks were allowing their patrons to sleep on the premises for free. "Everywhere we look, we are finding food bank abuses," the official told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity.

The SEC is expected to report its findings by 2012.

Sources told TheYellowDailyNews that the investigation is expected to lob blame on liberals in government as well.

"They pushed for these banks to give away food to minorities and the under-privileged, and they knew it would never be paid back," the SEC official told TheYellowDailyNews. "This was a powder keg for the economy waiting to blow up, and it did."

Photo: a tree is nice

Possible Third Shoe in Journalist Attack on Bush

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) U.S. intelligence agencies are probing whether a possible third shoe was involved in the shoe throwing incident last week when an angry journalist hurtled his shoes toward President Bush, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said he easily outmaneuvered the incoming shoes that many experts said were traveling as fast as 35 mph. "I've been ducking questions at news conferences for years," Bush said.

At least nine U.S. intelligence sources, speaking to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the government was investigating whether a third, so-called "magic shoe" whizzed by Bush's head during that highly publicized news conference in Iraq last week. In addition, several sources told TheYellowDailyNews that at least 15 dozen U.S. intelligence agents were examining whether the possibility of a third shoe played a role in President Kennedy's assassination four decades ago.

Intelligence analysts said it was the first time U.S. intelligence officials were actively pursuing a connection between the shoe-throwing debacle and Kennedy's so-called "magic bullet" assassination.

Intelligence officials believed the two incidents might be linked because, in both instances, there is no evidence that a "magic shoe" or "magic bullet" existed. Several sources suggested the probe was as extensive as the search for Osama bin Laden.

Last week, a Middle Eastern journalist removed his shoes and flung them at President Bush during a news conference in Iraq as Bush was praising the 50,000-plus Iraqi's killed in the Iraq war Bush started more than five years ago. Bush lauded the dead as helping save Americans from succumbing to terrorism on U.S. soil.

The Secret Service agent at Bush's side during the "Shoegate" incident was immediately reprimanded and later fired for allowing the president to face not one, but two and possibly three shoe flingings within seconds, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

President Bush was not injured. Muntadhar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for an Iraqi-owned television station based in Cairo, Egypt, was arrested, stripped search and his feet were cut off, officials said, "so that he may never wear weapons of mass destruction again."

The American Civil Liberties Union, meanwhile, rushed to the fired Secret Service agent's defense.

"This agent was trained to take a bullet for the president, not a shoe," ACLU executive director Anthony Romero said. "In addition, he might have seen what looked like a third shoe flying toward Bush. Nobody has the innate defenses to thwart three shoes cartwheeling through the air."

As a result, Bush's security apparatus is also reviewing its news conference security protocol, and has opened an inquiry into the maker of the shoes in question to determine whether the shoemaker should be charged with producing weapons of terror.

Photo: Muhammad Adnan Asim ( linkadnan ) # 2

Analysis: ‘Lip Service Economy’ Paying Dividends

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) U.S. and global market fluctuations during the recent weeks have been pegged to government affirmations or denials of a U.S. auto and other sector bailouts, according to an in-depth analysis by TheYellowDailyNews.

Economists suggested the analysis by TheYellowDailyNews was the most exhaustive ever in the global bailout space.

TheYellowDailyNews' revelation of market fluctuations tied to government utterances has lead many governments, including the United States, to consider continuing paying lip service to varying bailout plans -- thus lifting stock prices without having to dip deeper into the taxpayer till, sources told TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity. The analysis by TheYellowDailyNews has uncovered what leading economists have dubbed the "Lip Service Economy."

Scholars suggested it was the first time a workable economic theory had ever been discovered. It was stumbled upon by TheYellowDailyNews at a time when the global economy remains at a near-Depression state unseen since the 1930s.

Under the "Lip Service Economy," the details of which are still emerging, the government can cool or heat the economy by offering hopes of an economic stimulus package. Cooling the economy requires government waffling on whether a bailout was forthcoming, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

"Forget supply-side economics, Adam Smith, the Laffer curve and the trickle down economy," said Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian. "With the 'Lip Service Economy,' the government can maintain a controllable economic system, one in which optimism and pessimism can be created with simple utterances by government officials -- with economic fundamentals notwithstanding."

The theory began to take shape the last few weeks as hopes for a U.S. auto bailout careened uncontrollably. On Sunday evening, Wall Street stock futures remained mixed as wary traders were awaiting hints of the latest government bailout plan.

Lehman Bros. equities analyst Phil Trado said the "Lip Service Economy" theory was full-proof.

"It doesn't even matter if the government's utterances are true or not. And it certainly doesn't matter if the economy blows up," he said. "What's important is that you timed your short and put stock orders along with the latest government bailout utterances."

President Bush, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, asked TheYellowDailyNews to withhold publication of its report. If the new theory was exposed, the public might lose faith in the economy and perhaps the government, Bush said, adding that publication could embolden America's enemies.

"The disclosure of how our economy works is a white flag to our terrorist enemies that our economy is a house of cards. First the World Trade Center was blown to smithereens. What's next, the Chrysler Building?"

TheYellowDailyNews' executive editor, Dorian Petzelvitche, declined to comment on the Pulitzer-prize winning news outlet's decision to disclose the "Lip Service Economy" in a groundbreaking economic report entitled "Lip Service Economy."

Photo:  Bascom Hogue

Xmas 2009 Moved to March to Stimulate U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) The Federal Reserve is set to announce 2009 Christmas is moving to March as part of a sweeping economic stimulus package, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Fed sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected to make the announcement here perhaps as early as Friday. Economists said the plan was certain to undo the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression -- sparking an early resurgence in a wide range of products, from anti-depressants, electronics, liquor and lead-tainted toys.

Analysts noted that the Christmas season is the most lucrative for retailers. It spawns a frenzy of buying with borrowed money that isn't likely to be paid back for years, if ever, thus racking up huge interest debt and driving an economy accustomed to wanton materialism.

Futures on the New York Stock Exchange soared 3 percent when news of Bernanke's proposal was first reported on TheYellowDailyNews' website Thursday. Historians said it was the first time the Christmas season was moved in a bid to save U.S. capitalism.

"This is the most brilliant stimulus package the economy has ever seen," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "Just think about how much money Americans will waste on unwanted and unnecessary gifts and toys. It's an economic boon."

The American Civil Liberties Union, however, was readying a legal challenge to the changeover, saying the government must also move Hanukkah, Kwanza and other holidays to prevent what some say could result in a "Santa Claus-based economy" in violation of the First Amendment.

"The thought that our economy can only be saved by feeding children with thoughts of a fat guy in a red coat climbing down millions of chimneys in one evening is preposterous," said Anthony Romero, the ACLU's executive director, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews.

Some economists were concerned the Christmas changeover might not work as expected. Americans might salvage their Christmas tree they decorated during the regularly scheduled Christmas and reuse it in the March Christmas.

"The green revolution is taking over in the United States, and many families might see it as wasteful to kill two trees, instead of one, in such a short period of time," said Benjamin Green, a University of Oregon forester. "This uncertainty places trash haulers and landfill operators in an economic conundrum."

Fed insiders said Thanksgiving was also being considered to be moved to as early as the upcoming February. But the plan was ditched when meat plants said the growth hormones routinely injected in turkeys would not artificially fatten the animals in time.

Photo:  CainAndToddBenson

Governor Defends Obama Senate Seat eBay Auction

CHICAGO -- (TYDN) Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on Wednesday staunchly defended himself against federal charges he was auctioning President-elect Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder on the popular online site eBay.

The 51-year-old two-term governor, who by Illinois law is vested with appointing a senator to fill the U.S. Senate seat Obama is vacating to assume the presidency, said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews that his actions were "for the good of the country."

"I am bringing transparency to the political process," Blagojevich told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview here in the governor's mansion. "The only crime being committed here is that the government is accusing me of a crime and the public is buying it."

Presidential scholars said it was the first time a politician was trying to be bought on eBay. "It's usually not this transparent," Harry Jeffers, a Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian, said in an exclusive interview.

An eBay spokesman said Blagojevich's arrest underscores that eBay is the No. 1 auction site. In after hours trading, shares of eBay soared 18 cents, to $14.36.

The governor's arrest left rival online auction sites like Yahoo scrambling to secure the auction to fill Blagojevich's seat after his impeachment and imprisonment. If convicted, the governor faces a maximum 10-year prison term.

Obama, the senator from Illinois who is resigning his post to become the nation's 44th president, blasted Blagojevich for what he decried as "acts of treason against the name of politics."

"I spent more than $700 million to become president and Blagojevich wants to give away my senate seat for a few hundred thousand dollars? That's in insult to me and the voters who elected me," Obama said in an exclusive interview.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested the Illinois governor here on Tuesday after an astute agent stumbled upon the auction as she was monitoring eBay traffic for sales of al-Qaeda memorabilia, sources said.

"We had several hundred agents searching for clues of the next terror attack by monitoring auctions of knockoff Osama bin Laden memorabilia on eBay," FBI director Robert Mueller told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "An agent mis-typed 'Osama' and spelled 'Obama' by mistake and the rest is history."

Early on during the auction, hackers from the Ukraine hijacked the eBay site and posted a bid of $99,999,999, according to an investigation by TheYellowDailyNews. But astute eBay officials regained control of the site moments before Blagojevich was to accept the bid, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

Photo: ursonate

Three Dead in Wal-Mart Funeral Stampede ‘Chaos’

Long Island, N.Y. -- (TYDN) At least three were left dead and dozens injured when a crowd of mourners stampeded at a funeral here Sunday while paying last respects to a loved one, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The carnage began when an estimated 200 mourners could not contain themselves when attending the funeral for 34-year-old Braden Morehouse, who was killed in an unrelated human stampede more than a week ago. With emotions boiling, the crowd rushed Morehouse's casket in what one witness described as "chaos." Along the way, the priest was trampled and listed in critical condition at a local hospital, sources said.

Analysts said it was the worst human stampede since Nov. 28, the day after Thanksgiving, when thousands of shoppers hurled themselves through a Wal-Mart front door here at 5 a.m., killing Wal-Mart employee Morehouse and injuring several others.

Sunday's stampede -- at the Long Island Funeral Home for the Living, formerly known as the Long Island Funeral Home for the Dead -- erupted when incensed mourners could not contain their anger over Morehouse's death. Last week, as a Wal-Mart temp, Morehouse had tried, in vain, to hold back a pack of frothing Black Friday shoppers which eventually tore down the front door and trampled him as it gangwayed into the Long Island store searching for deals from everything from toilet paper to electronics.

Witnesses at Morehouse's funeral, in exclusive interviews with TheYellowDailyNews, said everybody just "lost it" and rushed Braden's casket as they recollected his death. "The preacher was up there, talking about Braden. Everybody started crying and just rushed his casket," one mourner, who requested anonymity, told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "It was chaos. Everybody started screaming and bum-rushing Braden's body."

Several funeral stampede sources, who spoke to TheYellowDailyNews on condition of anonymity, said the crowed trampled the casket, and Morehouse's body fell from the coffin. Mourners, being pushed by a throng, eventually gave way and stampeded over the body again.

When it was over, when the dead and injured were cleared, survivors were left scratching their heads, wondering what had happened.

Edith Morehouse, who attended the funeral to mourn the loss of her son, was worried about the wake she was having at her Long Island house following the funeral. "Jesus Christ," she said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, "I hope I got enough coleslaw."

Photo: .faramarz

Domestic Crisis as Mom-in-law Moves to White House

WASHINGTON -- (TYDN) President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law is scheduled to move to the White House here with the First Family on Jan. 20, when Obama assumes the presidency, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

The revelation amounts to what legal scholars suggested was a looming domestic crisis -- an unprecedented constitutional showdown threatening to undermine the nation's checks and balances with the overnight creation of a fourth branch of government. Historians said the nation may drift into chaos as the executive, legislative and judicial branches confront an unprecedented stick thrown through their spokes.

"This new fourth branch, the so-called "you're-not-good-enough-for-my-daughter branch," is likely to turn government on its head, with the executive branch first to be thrown into turmoil," Cal State Fullerton revisionist historian Harry Jeffers said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "This will resonate with the other branches, perhaps sending the nation into disarray."

Marian Robinson, the mother of First Lady-elect Michelle Obama, brings to the White House a keen sense of diplomacy. Experts said she has uncanny negotiation skills as well.

"She is known for getting people to take her position, to view it her way, without ever saying a word," Harvard University domestic affairs expert Dee Ranged said in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews. "She can get it done with just a look, a facial expression of sorts with the threat being implied and understood -- a pure diplomatic attache she is for sure."

Still, legal experts suggested the manner in which President Obama conducts himself the first 100 days of office -- during his presidential honeymoon -- is crucial to the nation's future.

"This may seem paradoxical, but a strong executive is what's needed here to keep the nation's checks and balances in check, especially with the sudden creation of a fourth branch of government," Yale University historian Dick Yolio told TheYellowDailyNews in an exclusive interview. "Only time will tell how this plays out. It's a powder keg nevertheless."

Prison, Brothel and Gambling Indexes Replacing Dow

NEW YORK -- (TYDN) The Dow Jones Industrial Average index of 30 stocks, the widely followed indicator of stock market health since 1928, and other leading indexes are being replaced with several new trackers ranging from private prison firms to Las Vegas bookmaking facilities and brothels, TheYellowDailyNews has learned.

In a bid to spur investment into the ailing stock market, the government is replacing the Dow, the tech-heavy Nasdaq Composite Index and S&P 500 Index with new indexes that most Americans can relate to, according to several sources, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Federal Reserve officials told TheYellowDailyNews that the new leading index of 20 private prison companies â.. dubbed the CellSex 20 Index -- should also spur minority investment as well.

"With more than seven million American's in prison, about one in 100 of the population and the majority of them minorities, the creation of this tracking device is something that a large segment of the population can relate to," one Fed official said. "The United States has the world's largest per capital prison population, and this tracker is targeted at a growing segment of our population and should attract a wide swath of investment."

President-elect Barack Obama, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyDailyNews, said he endorsed the plan that is expected to be unveiled as early as Wednesday on the floor here of the New York Stock Exchange. Still, Obama had some reservations.

"I'm a little concerned that the public might confuse the CellSex 20 Index with the new Brothel 69 Index," Obama said. "However, I believe the PappaNeedsANewPairofShoes13 Index of bookmaking facilities should help revive the economy and bring in investors waiting on the sidelines. The 30 Blue Chips in the Dow are so yesterday."

Lehman Bros. equity index analyst Chiapta Leven, in an exclusive interview with TheYellowDailyNews, said it might take time for institutional investors to adapt to the change. But he said he was elated the stock exchange didn't go too far.

"My sources said the exchange was seriously considering adapting a fourth tracker following the life and times of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan," Leven told TheYellowDailyNews. "The so-called BoobHotIndex 3 could have sparked a run on Wall Street and might have been confused with the CellSex 20 Index and the Brothel 69 Index."

The Dow closed Tuesday, its final day of indexing, at 8,419, up 270 points. Overall, advancers outweighed decliners on the Big Board by a 7-1 margin in heavy trading. The Dow is off its all-time high of 13,780 reached in September.

Photo:  jotor